A HOWL FOR MERCY!

The Dick Times: News that Bites!
Dateline Chicago 12 June Year of Viagra*
June Spoon Howl at the Moon

ITEM! Red Horde blasts court pick timing,
wants three months of sliming Sonia!
A.M. noise and Fox news boys decry
Obama’s choice for court,
not their sort, they claim!
Not lame enough, even with cracked ankle!

ITEM! Dems in White House rankle whackos,
more take up arms in opposition!
“Guns for God”, the Chosen seem to claim,
take aim in Wichita and Holocaust Museum!
Broadcast mouthpiece for the lunatics,
Limbaugh picks up microphone,
and blames left for killings!
Cheney kid adds manure to the compost heap
by leaping into fray with righteous fury,
dittos junk she hears at dinner table,
fairy fables of the un elected outs!

ITEM! Palin family throwing fits,
can’t get over losing, still amusing
on the late night shows,

Dick sez: but boring me to tears by dawn!

AND!!!! TheBeneDicktion!!!!
O, great spirit
lay your hand
upon the crazies in our Land,
let us all see middle ground.

Hound the haters into hell
fix the crack in that big bell
in Philly.

*AND!!! Hot new feature: The Dicktionary!!
“Year of Viagra”: that period in American history
in which the elected officials in Washington are
thwarted by stiff opposition from the (very) minority party,
as lead by their congressional spokesperson
John Boehner, R.Ohio, his actual name pronounced
in a way which kind of takes the edge offa this joke.
We’re down on that. We understand. Thank you.
http://TheDickTimes.blogspot.com
and our famous facebook group,
now gone global! “It’s free! And worth it!” (Dick)

AULD SOD (omites)

Same old tricks: bashing evil dicks
trashing catho licks!

The Dick Times: News that Bites!
The Auld Sod (omites)
Dateline Ireland, 20 May Year of Viagra
Special to The Dick Times!

Church of Rome runs home for rapists
on Auld Sod!

Irish house of god employs large gang
of child molesters 
in its foundling homes
as priests, and nuns, and bishops
wink and nod
and evil festers!

Clergy dirties hands
with child abuse 

and servitude by minors 
and beatings of the kids 
while in the nude!

The helpless and abandoned
and forgotten 
taken into charge
by rotten church- appointed freaks,

all geeks in habits, vestments,

covered up for years
and now revealed at last-

a vast conspiracy!
 
Abduction of the kids
of unwed mothers,
kidnapped by the parish priests, 
orphans taken in, enslaved to sex
and stringing rosaries in Jesus’ name!

The shame this news
should bring upon the church,
from Rome to Wichita
is still beyond belief
as readers of this page 
now find such grief too much 
to swallow!

So go follow 
all the latest dirt elsewhere,
if any papers in the states
should care to dig more deeply
through the rancid mess!

Dick sez: I must in sorrow
now confess
this news
just reinforces all my
former prejudicial views.

AND!! The BeneDicktion!
O great spirit
beam me up
take away the poisoned cup
the daily horrors on this earth
sometimes make the trip not worth
the show.

MAYDAY DICK!

The Dick Times: News that Bites!
Dateline Chicago, 8 May, Year of Viagra

MAYDAY! MAYDAY!

Politics hit springtime slump
but GOP takes self-linflicted lumps
as Limbaugh lashes out at all who dare to stand,
not kneel, before his throne!

With every speech the party lets him own its message:
all back down without a fight
in face of bloated talker's
broadcast might!

And!! The Palin girls insist
safe sex
is none,
while where the rubbers meet the road
the never-will-be-son- in -law says
"all kids do it anyhow,
for fun!"

Don't ask, don't tell still shrinks fighting ranks
as if straight guys lived in greater fear
of gays
than guns!

And!! Bracko does a tortured dance
around the waterboard,
then signs a Prayer Day proclamation
while nation watches three more states agree
that marriages should be
between two people!

Dick climbs nearest church's steeple,
where he hangs a flag
proclaiming
"Jesus loves a fag"!
Congregation now in 50/50 split
while non-believing P.C. readers throw a fit!

AND!!! THE BENEDICKTION!!!
O Great Spirit, hear my voice,
let all women have a choice
Give all lovers marriage rights
keep us out of foreign fights,
Bless the poor, ignore the rich,
and tow us from the downturn ditch.

A men, women, GLTG

DICK'S APRIL DIGEST!!!

The Dick Times News Digest!
Biting excerpts from recent stories!
Dateline Chicago and this ain’t April fools, folks!
It’s still The Year of Viagra!

Gingrich reaches out to Rome!
Leaves long term Baptist home!
Embraces Papist ways!
“My days are numbered,” Newt must think,
“Got to play it safe and drink the bitter cup:
a priest’s communion wine!”
(Baptists are just fine
with drinking grape juice at the rail.)

And!! House of Boehners fail
to turn back tide of
Democratic nominations!
“Abominations!” cries the miniscule Red Horde
as Prez decides that libs have won their turn to serve,
and new appointees have the nerve to ask for seats!

Republicans are left with making “sucking teats” remarks
while whining that the left is nothing but a sea
of greedy sharks.

And!!! Bracko faces European test
to see if wife competes
with best dressed women there!
Visit to the Euro lands ramps up a
propaganda wave, and many crave a look
at this new guy!

And!! The Diquiz!!
Where does your state rank on the growing list
of “most corrupt”?
Don’t we all feel a little thrill of pride when
our own climbs closer to the top of that ladder?

The BeneDicktion:
Do not allow us to grow madder
at the current state of things down here,
but give us hope, that having rid the country
of that evil dope, the Dubster, his remaining pals
will not continue to assail our noble dream,
the Constitution.
Amen, Ahhhhhhh Women!

SCHOOL OF HARD KNOX!

The Dick Times: News that Bites!
Dateline Chicago 19 March Year of Viagra

SCHOOL OF HARD KNOX
Bone Us package
stiffs U.S.
and sticks us with gigantic bill!

What swill contaminates the banking pool
and what the hell’s an A.I.G.
asks Dick.

What lowdown thieves
these number crunchers are
and after thirty years
the lower bar of Reagan days
has left us in a Purple Haze
of anger!

And! The BeneDicktion!
Oh Prince of Piece of Pie-
Where’s mine?

THIS MAY PINCH A BIT!

The Dick Times: News that Bites!
Dateline Chicago 16 March Year of Viagra ( Boehner, get it? )
THIS MAY PINCH A BIT!

Not so vanished veep creeps back
to make more news,
offers stomach-turning views
on new administration!
Dick sez: If castration is a cure for serial rapists,
let’s de-nut this prick!

And!! The BeneDicktion!
Oh Lord, please guide our hand
as we perform
the operation,
let not our anxious fingers slit the throat
of this dissembling Judas Goat.
Amen, Ahhhhhh Women!

RUSHAN ROULETTE SPINS CHAMBERS!

The Dick Times: News that Bites!
Dateline Dee Cee -4 Marx -Year of Viagra
RUSHAN ROULETTE SPINS CHAMBERS!

Talk show mouth sends Boehners south
in taking party reins!
G.O.P. at pains to genuflect to Rush,
gush “He’s right! Obama’s team must fail!”
as blimp pimps nut house line.

A wailing chorus from the left,
the center,
and the sane
sez “Let those idiots implode!”
And Dick sez: On the road back,
these hacks can hitchhike into Hades.

The BeneDicktion
May a piece of the economy
not fall upon you
and may you continue to dwell
in your house
without foreclosure.
Ah men! Ahhh, Women!
http://theDickTimes.blogspot.com

RHYMES WITH RICHES!

The Dick Times: News that Bites!
Dateline Capitol Dome 24 February Year of Viagra

OUTREACH PREACHES FEWER RICHES
FOR BANKER SONS... ETC.

Bracko nails details of plans to door,
asks for more from Hill!
Prez makes careful outline of positions
while Boehners stiffen on shrunken side of Chamber!

No stone in new bridge back is unexamined
as calm and careful guy tells country
“We’ll get out, but use my map”

Some Boehners seen to clap
but Dick thinx it’s for show
as folks back home are watching them!

Proof to be in pudding
when votes are finally called
and stimulus gets mauled by nays!

No word on gays or women’s rights
as Prez saves social fights
for calmer waters
after crisis hurricane
has waned!

Troops to stay abroad in fighting force
as two bad wars continue crooked course
down hill
to probable disaster!

Bracko seemed to promise faster ends
in campaign days
but D.C. has its ways
of crushing Hope!

Dick sez: Dub The Evil Dope sure left a pile on the walk,
and just when plastic grocery bags are disappearing!

AND! The BeneDicktion!
O, Great Spirit!
Help this man
the country’s nearly in the can
please bless the new recovery plan
and save us from depression!

The last eight years have done us in
make those bastards burn for sin
don’t let the crazies pull a pin
arrest them for possession!

Amen! Ahhhhhhhhhh! Women!

SEE QUINN DRESSING DOWN!

The Dick Times: News that Bites!
Dateline Chi town 21 February Year of Viagra
See Quinn Dressing Down Roland, or
Bride of the Grandson of Bad Hair Day, part seventeen!

Ill Gov kills peace dove
As Song of Roland spins again
on Dee Cee turntable!

Burris’ fate seemed sealed in pretty wax,
now wanes with new facts emerging!

Patrick Quinn, ensconced in Springfield seat,
fires neatly over bow of ship of state in D.C. !
A warning shot that all is not forgot:
Don’t get too cozy over there!

Some look to Bracko for a word
but so far Prez sez naught,
was taught in law school: Keep mouth shut
when many flies are in the room!

AND:
The BeneDicktion!
A pall of doom has settled in
We look to help from Patrick Quinn
This whole damn mess is Blago’s sin-
Is he still doing talk shows?

The nation’s in an awful mess,
but even so, I must confess,
it’s food for Dick, and so I guess
we’ll follow where the wind blows.
Amen, Ahhhhhhhh women!!!!!!

RELIGION CREEP!

The Dick Times: News that Bites!
Dateline Sweet Home 16 February Year of Viagra
RELIGION CREEP!

Bracko backs off faith based pledges,
hedges promises of yore
and risks becoming
Boehner’s whore!

More equivocation on the church
besmirches written record
on this issue!

Meanwhile, nation sneezes into tissue
of continued Burris lies!
Song of Roland plays again
as feds look in his eyes!

Lawyers say that he’s real clean,
while Burris, at their side, just nods,
a bobble headed pol
from Cesspool Illinois!

Dick sez: Okay, boys, let’s ante up
and play another hand:
dealer’s call is Liars’ Poker.

And! The BeneDicktion!
Dear Jehovah
Please tell us which world deity
should be sculpted on Mount Rushmore,
then strike with lightning
anyone
who doesn’t agree.

STUMPED FOR ANSWERS!

The Dick Times: News that Bites!
Dateline The Stump 11 February Year of Viagra

Bracko mounts blue collar stumps in Red Horde lands!
Hands few lumps to Dee Cee naysayers,
invites all to play
in stimulating game!

Boehners back off for now
having taken vow
to kill bill later!

Dick, a long time Red Horde baiter,
Dub and Cheney hater,
looks to Leahy’s Truth Commission plans
as meat for future posts!

Hosts of ass- protecting witnesses expected!
Torture lovers on the right could sing,
and arias of “followed orders”
might take wing!

Cheney’s plea of “privilege” rejected
as his lieutenants down at Gitmo point at him!
Chances slim that he’ll do any time,
but slime may cling for years to come!

Dick sez: send this bum
to hell
in a hand casket.

And! The BeneDicktion!
Dear Saint Peter, close that gate!
Cheney’s heart might seal his fate!
If heaven needs another Dick
I volunteer! ( don’t be too quick...)

TALE WAGS DOG!

The Dick Times: New that Bites!
Dateline Dee Cee -6 February- Year of Viagra

Bracko goes all stimulating on tv news!
Expresses caustic views of bad execs,
puts voodoo hex on G.O.P.!

“Vote went to me”, sez prez
“Left John and Sarah in the dust,
so just grow up!”

Far right Boehners now own franchise,
can’t get wise to lost election!
Dick sez: These Boehners got a bad infection,
need a penisillin shot!

And! A fresh new Annex: Dick’s Health Clinic!
One stop shopping
for all those formerly criminalized favorites!
Stem cell research!
Medical marijuana!
Same sex marriage health certificates!
Pharmacists who fill all prescriptions!
Women’s constitutionally guaranteed rights honored!
Universal single payer insurance cards accepted!

The beneDicktion:
Bless our brand new U.S.A.
keep the bad Red Horde away
Waterboard the whole right wing
make them all stand up and sing:

My country tis of thee
no longer G.O.P.

and no King Ron

Land where the voters said
the trick- el down is dead,
Don’t let them steal our bread

Mine’s nearly gone.
Amen, Amen, and A- freakin’ MEN !!!!

SEEING OUR SHADOW

The Dick Times: News that Bites!
Dateline chez moi on groundhog day

Dick Times Downer!
Out of towner sez Dick depresses,
dresses us down and messes
with our head in therapeutic musing!

Too confusing, thinx Dick
while mulling mini-mauling...
we missed our calling?
Shoulda gone to seminary,
learned to gather lambs
and shepherd mixed- up masses
instead of passing gas on crooks
and blowing flames at politicians.

World needs more physicians!
Shoulda gone to med school,
taken out big loans
and then default
like all the Wall Street guys
who loot the country’s vault,
beating down the doors at Knox.
What is it, rhymes and means the same
as Dicks? That’s those guys!

Or attorney!
Took the Law School Test back when,
at Mom’s behest,
but thought it best to flip her off
and didn’t ask to get
in any schools,
thought it cooler hanging out
in Greenwich Village
for a year
with some other fools.

Spilt milk now, and we renew our vow
to keep the fire burning at the feet of
Dicks, those dirty lowdown....um, ah, er,
whatevers.

HARD CHOICES IN BIG GOVERNMENT!

The Dick Times: News that Bites!
Dateline Dee Cee, 30 January, Year of Viagra
BIG GOVERNMENT’S HARD CHOICES!

Public good stiffed as new House erects obstacles!
Ohio’s Boehner leads Red Horde remnants
in charge down hill
to everlasting fiscal hell!

Minority practices recovery interruptus
by throwing sand
in bailout gel!

Right thrusts limply in fray
to raise country from depths,
wants less taxing method
of pushing us out of hole!

Republicans take unanimous role
in pouring cold water
on President’s plans!
Obama softens demands
as opposition hardens!

Nation counts to eight hundred
to avoid premature deflation
of high hopes!

Dick sez: when you’re on the ropes
say a prayer to St. Reagan,
patron of illusion, delusion,
and financial confusion.

And! The Diquiz!
What the hell is it with those bathtubs
in the Cialis commercials?

Reeling in Rod

The Dick Times:News that Bites!
Dateline Chicago 28 January year of the pig

Psycho Gov trips down crooked path
to bread line
While prosecutor follows crumb trail
to tapes!

Blago shapes news day to own ends
but Ill senate sends him home!

Shag Dome quotes M.L.King
from back porch
at end of long goodbye!
Dick sez: Where’s my
barf bag?

And! The Diquiz!
Who’s gonna judge the hog contest
at next year’s fair?

Rat Zinger out of Rome or: Revenge of the Coneheads!

The Dick Times: News that Bites!
Dateline Vatican City, where right turn on red got its start!
26 January, Year of the Rat

Rat Zinger out of Rome
or
Revenge of the Coneheads!

Pope pals up
with busted bishops,
enfolds four in warm embrace,
and studies facts of Holocaust,
passing on gas and dead six million!

Prayer to convert Jews
makes Al Jazeera news!

Rabbis react as church lurch to right
sheds light on other faiths’ flight
from reason!

World’s fundys go mental
in orthodoxy season!

NEW FEATURE: The beneDicktion!
Bless my house and burn his down
keep a moat around my town
hand me my Kalashnikov
I’ll shoot my brother’s backside off.
Amen, Amen, and Amen

And! The Diquiz!
What became of all those great Popes
from a few years back:
The Chinese Pope Eye
The Sardinian Pope Secola
The Albanian Pope Gozaweezel
Huh? I mean, where are they?
We need them!

Mission Accomplished!

The Dick Times: News that Bites!
Dateline Dee Cee, 20 January aught nine,
The winter of our newcontent.

A Fargo Moment!

Barack puts Dub in chopper
as troops and coppers watch,
unmoved!

Bush taken to Texas for observation
by remains of Red Horde
while country’s spirit soars
in vast relief!

First couple does victory dance at ball
after millions vacate mall
where ground rises two inches
and temps fall ten degrees!

World sees all on CNN
as hours long parade
puts last eight years in shade!

Dick sez: My memory’s fading fast:
who was that polyp in the wheelchair?

Oaf of Office

The Dick Times: News that Bites!
Dateline Chicago, one day to go!

OAF OF OFFICE!
Dub rubbed out!
Regime change finally works
as Texan heads to Dallas home
where buffaloes no longer roam,
having been killed off
by early version
of Bush doctrine!

Obama mounts abandoned Horse of State
while dimwit cowboy and his mate
go home to count their blessings:
1. He’s not doing time in Leavenworth
2. His pals are all warbucks millionaires
3. His brother Jeb is waiting in the wings
4. His Supreme Court will let him off the hook

And! The Diquiz!
Which yielded less intelligence?
A. Waterboarding
B. Bush’s SATs?

Two Finger Salute!

The Dick Times: News that Bites!
Dateline Chicago 16 January 2009 aka four days to go!
News of the day!
Two finger salute! or Bride of Bad Hair Day!

Blago’s mouthpiece bails on senate trial,
tosses vile Rod to Springfield wolves
after House impeaches!

Genson hates to lose,
chooses not to play dead hand
as band of legislators
closes in on hated Gov!

No love lost for Rod downstate
as only sis-in-law in legislature
casts “nay” in tossing him!
Family first, sez Ms. Mell,
while every other guy sez
“Go to hell! ”

Dick sez: what is it that runs downhill?
That’s why Springfield is south of Chicago!

http://thedicktimes.blogspot.com

Son of Bad Hair Day!

Son of Bad Hair Day
The Dick Times: News that Bites!
Dateline Chicago
9 January 2009 aka eleven days to go!

Ill house does tough love,
shoves gov to senate trial
while Bad Rod bites sod
as face hits prairie dirt!

Springfield crowd crows proudly,
puffs out chest in besting busted jerk!

Blago won’t go quietly,
apes Fargo role
while being dragged away:
“I didn’t do it! I didn’t do it!”

Dick sez: if Rod’s house goes into
foreclosure we can move our offices
over there in a few wheelbarrow trips.

And: The Diquiz! sort of
Barry Fitzgerald
Bing Crosby
Bob Hope
Obama’s Hope
Patrick Fitzgerald
Rope- a- dope -Rod
Is that six degrees, or is it a stretch?

Bad Hair Day #2

The Dick Times: News that Bites!
Dateline Chicago, 6 January 2009
Just a few blocks east of Casa Blago!


Third rate hack gets sacked!
Heads back to Chi town
wearing dark frown
on brown face,
vows to enter
senate race
in aught ten
if and when
the Illinois machine
okays it!

Bad Rod gave Burris
hairy nod
invoking will of god
to fill Obama seat!
But Blago’s smelly feet of clay
have wrecked the day
for Roland’s power play,
and now we gotta wait to
hear the court’s decision on
this car crash
of democracy
in action!

Dick sez: what fraction of this joke do
we agree to when we vote?

And! The Diquiz!
How many unqualified incompetent and
crooked politicians has Richie Daley
championed in their electoral races with
clearly superior opponents?