ODE TO SORROW

O, what tweet from the dodo's beak will we behold upon the sun's rise?
A catalogue of ruses drawn from shifting sands, each grain containing nought but well aimed lies, deceptions and untruths which break in muddy foam upon the nation's shrinking shore.
Sleep soundly, dear Columbia, and dream true visions, should this grim beast create such havoc that you dream no more.

LOW INTEREST LOANS

Live from the armchair! It's The Dick Times: News that Bites !!Wars are good for business. Every sector of the economy spikes. Heavy industry requires new factory workers, and production is necessarily domestic. Technology leaps forward under government contracts, and new inventions , devised to make war, often find peaceful uses with a few tweaks. Young patriots leave parental basements to enlist,and unemployment falls. Medicine devises great new ways to serve the horribly wounded, and this technology can be offered to civilians, at a price. Political seats are stabile, continuity and experience being more important than usual. Financial markets enjoy happier days of solid and continuing prosperity as investors jump in for a slice of the pie. Construction, real estate, and agriculture all benefit. Flag burning loses its appeal, and Wikileaks is universally despised. A chief executive with corporate ties would profit immensely, as would all those close to him. Congress would be loathe to examine his activities or look for tax records, should that ever have occurred to any there to do so. The media, which put him in office through a lifetime of fawning, would buckle, bow, and click its heels, jawohling loudly lest it not be heard. Our CEO in waiting might now be warming his smallish hands over ashtrays of ashes, remnants of warnings and admonishments from the timid left. His Christmas will arrive on January 20. Dick sez: don't buy war bonds from Donald Trump. His record of repayment shows a lack of concern with lenders. After all, once he has the money there's no reason to give it back. That's for losers.

A Hoover legacy

The Dick Times: News That Bites! Eighty years of moral corruption has led the FBI to this dangerous crossroads. The Bureau now serves as the Republican Praetorian Guard, commissioned by Congress to hand the election to Donald Trump. No other rational explanation can be given for the Director's recent action. Was he promised the moon? In a Trump universe it's made of green cheese. Dick sez: filled with D-con.

Heave Ho!

LIVE FROM CHICAGO! IT'S THE DICK TIMES: NEWS THAT BITES!! From the city desk, news of Donald Trump's heartfelt teleprompter apology! Mr. Peanut carefully reads remarks written by aides afraid of losing jobs next Monday, one day after Clinton crushes sexist beast in debate! Trump drags freight train of bad taste while chasing oval office chair! "Not fair", he says of vast blanket of tv shots which will put approval in the aughts! Dick sez: I gots to hurl, man.

PUSSY RIOT!!

URGENT POLITICAL UPDATE! FROM THE DESK OF THE DICK TMES: NEWS THAT BITES!! Dateline Chicago 7 September! Trump chumps Pence! Freaks out Jesus lovers with knotty words that may tie up election for Clinton! Pussy riot on web points fingers at tiny groping hand and Mr. Peanut stays quiet! Dick sez: we don't buy it.

RIP Them a New One

RIP Them a New One

I’m lost  in space / Can’t find my place

The universe is hurtin

The prexy race / is in my face

It’s painful / that’s  for certain

Each day goes by / and though I try

To shut out all the blurtin

I just can’t wait / to see what fate

Awaits behind the curtain.

Will it be he / or maybe she

Who’s paid for their exertin?

And then are we / at last to see

A hole to shovel dirt in?

RIP Trump / Hillary

Trunk Wags Elephant

Some casual remarks of the Republican nominee for President in the election of 2016. On occasion, he has implied that his opponent could or should  fall to an assassination by a proponent of second amendment rights, a subject of our previous post, Dumber by the Lake.

"Just kidding, folks. Only joking, kidding, no really. It's sarcasm, only a joke. It's real, but a joke. Who would? I mean it. Who would take this seriously? Not serious, folks, seriously. Or politically correct. Not that. Not me. You know who I am. I don't hide. Whatever. And no one knows this better than myself, because that's what it's all about, but a good joke, anyhow. Whatever, isn't it?"

DUMBER BY THE LAKE!!

 Special to THE DICK TIMES: NEWS THAT BITES!! Dateline 12 August, Erie Pennsylvania: Psycho babbles to adoring rabble at latest right wing rally. Trump sez "I'm just kidding " to the shooters loading at his bidding! Dick sez: Many are called, and one is chosen.

T WINS ( TWINS )

Special from THE DICK TIMES: NEWS THAT BITES!! This just in!! New York City hospital records now disclose the tragedy of twins separated at birth by a careless nurse in the maternity ward!
In a press conference given today and covered by our indefatigable staff, Doctor Milton Goldblatt, head of pediatrics, announced that all efforts will be made to reunite the two fraternal twins, sons of a former real estate developer in Queens or one of those boroughs nobody cares about. Maybe it's The Bronx. But why don't they say The Queens? Dick sez: Who cares? Move on.

He vaults to the lead!

Didn't watch the Republican convention? Here's what you missed.

Smile of a summer night

Live! From the desk of The Dick Times: News That Bites!! Our paparazzo catches Trump as he approaches an uncommitted female delegate in Cleveland. His press secretary denies that inappropriate touching occurred, but bruises were found and "bleeding" happened, in the candidate's phrase.

"Look out. Cleveland"

Live from the banks of the flaming Cuyahoga River, it's The Dick Times: News that Bites! Only hours to go before the dregs of the GOP assemble to re enact an all white version of The Walking Dead! While most heavy hitters stay home ( Dub phoned in with a hangover ) , a few well- known clowns will pile out of a 1960 Beattle and honk their horns for Jesus as red balloons release orange popcorn that sticks to your hair. Soon, the new mental disorder, Trumpence, will emerge from a flaming test tube and infect the crowd with hopeless optimism.
Speaker after speaker will then begin a long march to Oz, ultimately revealing that there's nothing behind the curtain but a large robotic mouth that speaks in incomplete sentences as it promises walls, dead Muslims, and imprisoned abortion providers.
These boasts will please the assembled imbeciles, and they will vote unanimously to fall on their Boy Scout knives in a gesture of medieval self-sacrifice, all for the sake of a bankrupt real estate developer who left the car running at the back door. Dick sez: I'll trade you my Marvin gardens for a get out of jail free card.

Language police

From the Dick Times: News that Bites!! Special from the Language Clarification Desk! In response to queries from Trump supporters, as opposed, marginally, to athletic supporters, please be advised of the distinction between ignorant boobs and stupid tits, the former being Trumpers, and the latter being those giant basketballs featured on porn sites. Dick sez: Dear Trumpers, If someone calls you a stupid tit, you have misheard "twit", meaning jerk, ass, or Republican.

Wooooster weekend

I bear no fondness for this college, but nonetheless, and after much mental juggling, I have just registered for the alumni weekend which will begin on the ninth of June. This will be my first return in over fifty years. It's a six hour drive from my kind of town, and I'll leave the Green Hornet behind, convertible top and super premium gas be damned, since my principle motivation is finding a rich widow, and I don't want to appear to be a pleasure seeking roué. Which I am not, rich widows to the contrary notwithstanding. The only local alums I know of here are probably steeped in piety and shovel wads of cash to the development fund, which gets their names on buildings. My theory is, that's why god invented spray paint at five bucks a can.

GOP ROCKS!

LIVE FROM CHICAGO!! IT'S THE DICK TIMES: NEWS THAT BITES!! Major earthquakes strike U.S. as D.C. Republicans crawl from beneath rocks to endorse Trump! Former naysayers cry "Yay!" while sloughing off tough denials from distant past ( last week ) !
Dick sez: 8 points on the rectum scale! Excise those polyps, and and get them to the lab!

THE DICK TIMES: WE SPAN THE WORLD!!

THE NEW YORK SPAN:


THE CHICAGO SPAN:

Dick sez: does this bite, or what?

What's My Line?

Breaking news from the desk of THE DICK TIMES: NEWS THAT BITES! Dateline Chicago 18 Feb. Obama to nominate Hillary Clinton for the vacant Supreme Court seat! Such a brilliant and Machiavellean ploy would shatter the GOP's resolve to delay, block, obstruct and otherwise defeat the president by removing the main threat to their own candidate in the November election. The right wing would then be forced to affirm Clinton in hopes that her removal from contention would allow Sanders to slide into the Democrat's spot which, they think, would then be vulnerable to attack from anyone but Sarah Palin, if that. Dick sez (sort of quoting) : Chicago politics ain't beanbag, and Obama is known to be a poker player. AND: THE DICKQUIZ!! What's the line in Randy Newman's Rednecks that best describes the last seven years of Republican behavior? ( whisper it to yourself )