Heave Ho!

LIVE FROM CHICAGO! IT'S THE DICK TIMES: NEWS THAT BITES!! From the city desk, news of Donald Trump's heartfelt teleprompter apology! Mr. Peanut carefully reads remarks written by aides afraid of losing jobs next Monday, one day after Clinton crushes sexist beast in debate! Trump drags freight train of bad taste while chasing oval office chair! "Not fair", he says of vast blanket of tv shots which will put approval in the aughts! Dick sez: I gots to hurl, man.

PUSSY RIOT!!

URGENT POLITICAL UPDATE! FROM THE DESK OF THE DICK TMES: NEWS THAT BITES!! Dateline Chicago 7 September! Trump chumps Pence! Freaks out Jesus lovers with knotty words that may tie up election for Clinton! Pussy riot on web points fingers at tiny groping hand and Mr. Peanut stays quiet! Dick sez: we don't buy it.