The Dick Times: News that Bites!
writes to the Chicago Tribune's Judge Dibs,
the final and absolute arbiter of all parking
disputes involving freshly shoveled out
spaces on those mean streets!
(The Judge takes frequent satisfaction
in proclaiming his Greek heritage.)
Dear Judge Dibs,
I hope that you have been recently elevated to the federal bench, because I have a dark and complex case for you. It is a case of Chicago dibs gone wild, or maybe of ultra or mega dibs. It is dibs 24 / 7, 365. You could almost call it infinity dibs except the cars in question are not infinitys, but Lexuses, or Lexii or, in Greek just for you, Lexae.
Two Lexae are parked on my street in a spot just big enough to hold them both, tucked in between two driveways. When one is being driven the other is moved to the middle of the space. This prevents other cars from sliding into the vacated spot.
The Lexae are owned by Joe. He lives right across the street from his self- designated parking spots, and his condo window offers him a good view of his precious cars, always washed, shiny, and annoyingly obvious in their everlasting state of dibs-ness.
“So what,” you are saying, aren’t you,wise Judge Dibs. “This guy Joe can do as he pleases, and if the neighbors are unhappy it’s just another case of Lexus envy!” and Judge, I would agree with you there, but for this: although Joe’s cars have selfishly dominated these spaces for over a year, their poor windshields have been left naked, unprotected from the sun and wind by City of Chicago registration stickers. In fact, a kind member of the Chicago Police Department informs me that the state records show these two cars living not on the 900 block of West Ainslie Street, across from Joe’s condo, but in the far suburb of Tinley Park.
Can you believe it, Judge? Joe not only cheats the city out of $150 a year in sticker fees, but he also saves thousands by telling his insurance company that his cars are safely stashed in vandal proof Tinley Park! You live in the boonies, don’t you Judge, so you are aware of the great savings involved here.
The tattle-tale policeman went on to tell me that his hands were tied, or maybe cuffed, and that he could not ticket, boot, tow, or otherwise reprimand Joe the selfish Lexae owner. The best that he could offer was his sympathetic agreement with me that, yes, Joe is a total bottom opening, to coin a naughty phrase.
Judge, if you could put this case on your crowded docket I’m sure that justice would be served and that either Chicago stickers or violation notices would start appearing on those Lexae windshields.
Thanks, Your Honor
