Tuesday, March 07, 2006

A Barbecue chat

The Dick Times: News that Bites!
Special to The Times!
Dateline Chicago!
An un namable source in the White House has just leaked to this newsletter
the handwritten transcript of a speech to have been given by current U.S. President George W. Bush at a bi partisan gathering of various army generals, oil industry executives, and Baptist ministers assembled at the Bush ranch in Texas in order to share in last Tuesday’s pre Lenten feast. On the menu were barbecued beef, near beer, and Campbell’s cream of mushroom soup flavored asparagus tips. ( recipes at whitehousechef.com)
The announced theme of this informal address was “From Quayle bashing to quail shooting: two generations of the Bush family’s guardianship of our country, and, yes, yours too.”
No known recording of this speech exists so we must rely on the text in hand, which here follows:
My dear friends.In my recent world travels to other countries not in America, I have often been reminded of a term paper I wrote years ago, back in college days when I had time to read and write and reflect on those big world class issues we hear so much about. One of those issues was the awful rain of tear in France, back in olden times before they left Vietnam. In this rain, which tore its destructive path through that sorry country, or maybe a sad country is more useful here, destructive summer storms flooded that unhappy nation, ripping apart the fabric of society, and tearing down all social barriers that were better left unripped. Mass destructions resulted from this rain of tear, and it’s just this kind of thing we have to guard against now, here in our own beloved country.
Organizations such as Al Qaeda and Greenpeace are trying to scare the American people with horror stories of global warming and the deaths of mothers who can’t kill their unwanted children. Those evil doers want us to alter our weather patterns so that America, like France in those times of yore, will be washed up and drained of her hopes and various ethnic beliefs which we all hold so preciously.
We cannot allow this to happen. The false prophets of global warming cannot be allowed to erode our firm faith in the military- industrial base by a steady drip, drip, drip of fear-mongering and cowardly demands of premature withdrawal. They call upon us to abort our mission, but I say to you, down where the rubber meets the road we will press on and push ever harder, deeply thrusting into those caves, canyons, and hidden dirty places where evil thrives and multiplies. We will energetically flush out the Bin Ladens, the Saddams, and all haters of democracy who would see our great country flooded with torn fabrics, abortion clinics, and empty factories, stripped of their great capacities to compete with foreign brands. These things cannot happen, but until they do, I urge all of you here to partake of this fine spread of great American food, and enjoy life as we here on the Bush ranch know and love it. Thank you

No comments: