Monday, October 11, 2004

The Ode-ious Dick Times

The Argumentative Dick Times

The Dick Times: News that Bites!
Faceoff in Florida! Dateline 30 September

Debate lite airs tonight!
Will Kerry score a blow?
Will George Bush steal the show?
Inquiring Dick needs to know!

Al Gore pens "how-to" in New York Times op-ed,
fails to mention moron beat him dead!

Many liken Kerry to splinter under fingernail,
others claim he's sprinter in the final stretch!

Dick sez: Lands sake's alive!
Four more years of Wretched George
will tax my Mac's hard drive!

And! The Diquiz!
Win Big Prizes! In tonight's debate,
count the number of times George Bush
A. has a blinking spasm ( a sign of lying, say shrinks )
B. mispronounces Abu Graib or nuclear
C. uses the words " war on terror" ( keep a calculator handy )
D. looks off to the wings for a clue
Second prize: your photo taken with the Incredible Dancing Dickettes!
First prize: your photo not taken with the Incredible Dancing Dickettes!
An unlimited number of first prizes are available! Hurry!

Les Plates du Dick Times

The Dick Times: News that Bites!
Dateline Coral Gables: 30 September

Dick stays up late to watch two guys
in fight for world leader prize!

Kerry seems clear winner
as he has Bush for dinner!

Dubya, in way over head,
delivers many beats
of dead air
in debate,
brings new word
of "nu-cu-lar moolahs",
and shares some boola-boolas
with fellow Eli grad!

Fighting war is real hard work,
says Bush about three hundred times!

Dick sez: send this jerk to warmer climes next month!
Texas would be fine with me!

And! The Diquiz!
in which Authority Figures point angry fingers!

1. If a mullah takes moola from an American fellow
will Ashcroft follow money trail to Saudi royal family?

2. If a priest becomes beastial with altar by in holy ritual
will Rome issue Papal homily calling act anomaly?

3. If Michael Jackson jerks around with little kids
will Liz blow lid and bid the pervert bye-bye?

4. If Martha Stewart details jail design failures
will new bail be set for her?

5. If Dick's cats keep throwing up their breakfast
will time be passed for casting early email to the ether?

The Dick Times: News that Bites!
Dateline The Bible Belt: 3 October

The True Believer!

George Bush, alleged receiver of God's Direct Commands,
demands electorate's attention to channeled Holy Word!

"God wills we spill the Moo-lahs' blood
to make Iraqis free!"
says he from Oval pulpit.

"We'll pray for their lost souls
which roast eternally in spider holes!
My DVD, just out this week, will tell the truth!"

Dick sez: I quote from Book of Ruth:
"Thou hast not followed young men neither poor nor rich."
So,,, Why stick with THIS sum' bitch?

AND! HOT NEW FEATURE! Dick's Bible Prophecy!
In which dat ol' debbil Dick quotes scripture!
( More from Ruth, drawn from both the King James Version
and the Douay-Confraternity Catholic Bibles as it suits our wicked ends )

1/21: I went out full and the Lord hath brought me home again empty.
( grounds for appropriating Iraq's oil reserves )

3/14 And she arose before men could know one another.
( grounds for gay marriage ban )

4/2 And Booz ( sic. ) taking ten men of the ancients of the city
said to them sit ye down here.
( a poly-prophetic passage alluding to, a. Bush's surname,
b. Bush's nickname, and, c. the president's secret plan
to pack the Supreme Court with one extra justice! )

Hallelujah, Amen

Jim Mall Chicago

The Ode ious Dick Times

The Dick Times: News that Bites!
Dateline Chicago: October 2004
Researchers in our employ have just discovered
an unpublished manuscript in the classics collection
ot the Library of Congress. Its authorship is unknown,
and the individual
therein vilified
cannot be identified!

To a Cretin Urn

O, crack’d vessel,
well turned but weakly fired,
thy kiln a few logs short
of Porcelain’s required degree!

Thy surface, drawn most skillfully
depicting scenes most fraught
with perfidy

The central figure,
limbed upon thy well glazed form
a scion of dynastic generation

He, venerated as a saint
by somewhat less than half the nation
here in stolid pose,
has risen to majestic heights

Now sticking leech-like to his countrymen,
clings in desperation as he drains
their treasure, blood, and hope

Forfeiting their future
for a dream
of world domination!

A travesty of misplaced hagiography
thus captured in thy sensuous lines,
this issue of patrician loins

but seemingly in need of
stem cell remitted tissue
of the brain

Barren of nobility
and empty of all higher sensibility
a cancer on the body politic

He makes me sick

Ah! Ugh! What vapid churl
comports himself upon the vase,
its well turned mouth a pouring spout
just wide enough
to snag my hurl!


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