Bleep This!

YETI FOUND IN CHICAGO
Special to The Dick Times: News that Bites!
Dateline Chicago, December 10
When Chicagoan Patty Fitzgerald went fishing in the north branch of the Chicago River he had no hope of catching anything more than a few bluegills, this being so late in the year, but despite the illegality of his off-season expedition, he had some free time and there was nothing on tv so off he went to the charming Ravenswood Manor section of Chicago’s north side where the river meanders through a quiet upscale neighborhood.
Before he even got a chance to work a worm onto his hook, however, what should fall into his fishing creel but The Abominable Snowman itself, pictured here for the first time.
“I didn’t do nothin’ but stand on the Wilson Avenue bridge,” said the amazed Fitzgerald, a product of Jesuit training as a school lad. “ Then I seen this thing joggin’ down the street and it trips right into my creel, head first!”
Using his cellular phone, the stunned fisherman immediately called the local office of Fishing Bags Idiots (FBI), a sports lobbying association. Recognizing the significance of Fitzgerald’s discovery, the agency sent a representative to the scene where Fitzgerald had secured the horrid creature with twenty yards of extra strength nylon line from his rod, or pole, as it is called in polite company.
“Just look at this ugly SOB,” Fitzgerald told the FBI’s investigator. “How could a thing like this wander around a big city like Chicago and nobody reportin’ it to the coppers? Or maybe it just crawled out a sewer like one of them New York alligators,” he continued, referring to the urban legend of the baby reptiles flushed down toilets, later to emerge from the septic system.
The Yeti made no effort to escape and was transported by van to the Lincoln Park Zoo where it can now be viewed by anyone with a strong stomach and a limited sense of smell.