LOW INTEREST LOANS

Live from the armchair! It's The Dick Times: News that Bites !!Wars are good for business. Every sector of the economy spikes. Heavy industry requires new factory workers, and production is necessarily domestic. Technology leaps forward under government contracts, and new inventions , devised to make war, often find peaceful uses with a few tweaks. Young patriots leave parental basements to enlist,and unemployment falls. Medicine devises great new ways to serve the horribly wounded, and this technology can be offered to civilians, at a price. Political seats are stabile, continuity and experience being more important than usual. Financial markets enjoy happier days of solid and continuing prosperity as investors jump in for a slice of the pie. Construction, real estate, and agriculture all benefit. Flag burning loses its appeal, and Wikileaks is universally despised. A chief executive with corporate ties would profit immensely, as would all those close to him. Congress would be loathe to examine his activities or look for tax records, should that ever have occurred to any there to do so. The media, which put him in office through a lifetime of fawning, would buckle, bow, and click its heels, jawohling loudly lest it not be heard. Our CEO in waiting might now be warming his smallish hands over ashtrays of ashes, remnants of warnings and admonishments from the timid left. His Christmas will arrive on January 20. Dick sez: don't buy war bonds from Donald Trump. His record of repayment shows a lack of concern with lenders. After all, once he has the money there's no reason to give it back. That's for losers.

A Hoover legacy

The Dick Times: News That Bites! Eighty years of moral corruption has led the FBI to this dangerous crossroads. The Bureau now serves as the Republican Praetorian Guard, commissioned by Congress to hand the election to Donald Trump. No other rational explanation can be given for the Director's recent action. Was he promised the moon? In a Trump universe it's made of green cheese. Dick sez: filled with D-con.

Heave Ho!

LIVE FROM CHICAGO! IT'S THE DICK TIMES: NEWS THAT BITES!! From the city desk, news of Donald Trump's heartfelt teleprompter apology! Mr. Peanut carefully reads remarks written by aides afraid of losing jobs next Monday, one day after Clinton crushes sexist beast in debate! Trump drags freight train of bad taste while chasing oval office chair! "Not fair", he says of vast blanket of tv shots which will put approval in the aughts! Dick sez: I gots to hurl, man.

PUSSY RIOT!!

URGENT POLITICAL UPDATE! FROM THE DESK OF THE DICK TMES: NEWS THAT BITES!! Dateline Chicago 7 September! Trump chumps Pence! Freaks out Jesus lovers with knotty words that may tie up election for Clinton! Pussy riot on web points fingers at tiny groping hand and Mr. Peanut stays quiet! Dick sez: we don't buy it.

RIP Them a New One

RIP Them a New One

I’m lost  in space / Can’t find my place

The universe is hurtin

The prexy race / is in my face

It’s painful / that’s  for certain

Each day goes by / and though I try

To shut out all the blurtin

I just can’t wait / to see what fate

Awaits behind the curtain.

Will it be he / or maybe she

Who’s paid for their exertin?

And then are we / at last to see

A hole to shovel dirt in?

RIP Trump / Hillary

Trunk Wags Elephant

Some casual remarks of the Republican nominee for President in the election of 2016. On occasion, he has implied that his opponent could or should  fall to an assassination by a proponent of second amendment rights, a subject of our previous post, Dumber by the Lake.

"Just kidding, folks. Only joking, kidding, no really. It's sarcasm, only a joke. It's real, but a joke. Who would? I mean it. Who would take this seriously? Not serious, folks, seriously. Or politically correct. Not that. Not me. You know who I am. I don't hide. Whatever. And no one knows this better than myself, because that's what it's all about, but a good joke, anyhow. Whatever, isn't it?"

DUMBER BY THE LAKE!!

 Special to THE DICK TIMES: NEWS THAT BITES!! Dateline 12 August, Erie Pennsylvania: Psycho babbles to adoring rabble at latest right wing rally. Trump sez "I'm just kidding " to the shooters loading at his bidding! Dick sez: Many are called, and one is chosen.

T WINS ( TWINS )

Special from THE DICK TIMES: NEWS THAT BITES!! This just in!! New York City hospital records now disclose the tragedy of twins separated at birth by a careless nurse in the maternity ward!
In a press conference given today and covered by our indefatigable staff, Doctor Milton Goldblatt, head of pediatrics, announced that all efforts will be made to reunite the two fraternal twins, sons of a former real estate developer in Queens or one of those boroughs nobody cares about. Maybe it's The Bronx. But why don't they say The Queens? Dick sez: Who cares? Move on.

He vaults to the lead!

Didn't watch the Republican convention? Here's what you missed.

Smile of a summer night

Live! From the desk of The Dick Times: News That Bites!! Our paparazzo catches Trump as he approaches an uncommitted female delegate in Cleveland. His press secretary denies that inappropriate touching occurred, but bruises were found and "bleeding" happened, in the candidate's phrase.

"Look out. Cleveland"

Live from the banks of the flaming Cuyahoga River, it's The Dick Times: News that Bites! Only hours to go before the dregs of the GOP assemble to re enact an all white version of The Walking Dead! While most heavy hitters stay home ( Dub phoned in with a hangover ) , a few well- known clowns will pile out of a 1960 Beattle and honk their horns for Jesus as red balloons release orange popcorn that sticks to your hair. Soon, the new mental disorder, Trumpence, will emerge from a flaming test tube and infect the crowd with hopeless optimism.
Speaker after speaker will then begin a long march to Oz, ultimately revealing that there's nothing behind the curtain but a large robotic mouth that speaks in incomplete sentences as it promises walls, dead Muslims, and imprisoned abortion providers.
These boasts will please the assembled imbeciles, and they will vote unanimously to fall on their Boy Scout knives in a gesture of medieval self-sacrifice, all for the sake of a bankrupt real estate developer who left the car running at the back door. Dick sez: I'll trade you my Marvin gardens for a get out of jail free card.

Language police

From the Dick Times: News that Bites!! Special from the Language Clarification Desk! In response to queries from Trump supporters, as opposed, marginally, to athletic supporters, please be advised of the distinction between ignorant boobs and stupid tits, the former being Trumpers, and the latter being those giant basketballs featured on porn sites. Dick sez: Dear Trumpers, If someone calls you a stupid tit, you have misheard "twit", meaning jerk, ass, or Republican.

Wooooster weekend

I bear no fondness for this college, but nonetheless, and after much mental juggling, I have just registered for the alumni weekend which will begin on the ninth of June. This will be my first return in over fifty years. It's a six hour drive from my kind of town, and I'll leave the Green Hornet behind, convertible top and super premium gas be damned, since my principle motivation is finding a rich widow, and I don't want to appear to be a pleasure seeking roué. Which I am not, rich widows to the contrary notwithstanding. The only local alums I know of here are probably steeped in piety and shovel wads of cash to the development fund, which gets their names on buildings. My theory is, that's why god invented spray paint at five bucks a can.

GOP ROCKS!

LIVE FROM CHICAGO!! IT'S THE DICK TIMES: NEWS THAT BITES!! Major earthquakes strike U.S. as D.C. Republicans crawl from beneath rocks to endorse Trump! Former naysayers cry "Yay!" while sloughing off tough denials from distant past ( last week ) !
Dick sez: 8 points on the rectum scale! Excise those polyps, and and get them to the lab!

THE DICK TIMES: WE SPAN THE WORLD!!

THE NEW YORK SPAN:


THE CHICAGO SPAN:

Dick sez: does this bite, or what?

What's My Line?

Breaking news from the desk of THE DICK TIMES: NEWS THAT BITES! Dateline Chicago 18 Feb. Obama to nominate Hillary Clinton for the vacant Supreme Court seat! Such a brilliant and Machiavellean ploy would shatter the GOP's resolve to delay, block, obstruct and otherwise defeat the president by removing the main threat to their own candidate in the November election. The right wing would then be forced to affirm Clinton in hopes that her removal from contention would allow Sanders to slide into the Democrat's spot which, they think, would then be vulnerable to attack from anyone but Sarah Palin, if that. Dick sez (sort of quoting) : Chicago politics ain't beanbag, and Obama is known to be a poker player. AND: THE DICKQUIZ!! What's the line in Randy Newman's Rednecks that best describes the last seven years of Republican behavior? ( whisper it to yourself )

The Summer of my Discontent, or A Series of Unfortunate Events

     Last January I went to my dentist for continuing work on a new bridge.  At Christmas I had experienced discomfort in a tooth, and I asked him to look at it. Examination revealed a septic abscess in the gum beneath a temporary bridge. He went in there and cleaned it out after giving me an antibiotic and a prescription for more, to be taken over the following week. Within two weeks, I was falling down at home, in the classic tv "help I've fallen" mode of collapse.  After the third or fourth episode I phoned my almost-ex wife and she insisted that I report to the nearest emergency room, one of which happens to be three minutes away. They told my I had hep c and sent me home, where I immediately resumed the falling spells, at which time my wife piled me into her  car and sort of raced to Northwestern Hospital on Chicago's near north  side. The ER people there discovered that my liver had become infected by its own abscess ( livers can be so jealous! ), and I was admitted for  surgery. The procedure was modestly invasive, consisting of poking a hole into the liver and inserting a drain tube, sort of the opposite of a turkey baster. The tube went in just under the rib cage, lower right side, and the incision was tiny.
     After a week of monitoring and testing I was sent to Warren Barr  rehab pavilion for recuperation. Sometime into that stay I developed severe diarrhea which turned out to be the notorious C Diff, short for the French words which originally named it. They could have called it Les Miserables for graphic accuracy. It's an uncontrolled and continuous churning of intestinal violence requiring  diapers. Bathrooms are of no avail in that the patient has no warnings and no time for a short walk.
     After a month and lots of antibiotics, things had calmed down enough to allow a course of physical rehab designed to regain strength and mobility. I had lost about twenty pounds, most of it muscle. Warren Barr's therapists taught me to walk and climb stairs, and within another month I was deemed ready for release.
     Back at home I resumed my normal routine and was okay for about a week until the C Diff reasserted itself with violent authority, causing lots of unpleasant accidents as I tried to buy groceries and walk from my parked car into the condo. This will not do, said my wife when I called for medical advice. ( She is a type one diabetic who has dealt with hospitals and doctors for almost sixty years. Her guidance and patience saved my life.) Through connections in her job, she got me into the University of Chicago Hospital where, so we thought, I could receive a fecal transplant, a near immediate cure for C Diff with a 97% success rate. The transplant consists of inserting purified feces from an anonymous donor or helpful kinfolk.  It can be placed with an enema or through an esophagul tube.  Somehow the new feces reacts with the infected stuff and kills off the bad germs, so to speak.
     But not  for me. For reasons still unclear I did not have the opportunity to go the easy route and was put on a new regimen of various antibiotics. By this time I had lost another twenty pounds and was beginning to resemble a concentration camp survivor sans tattoo. Furthermore, when interviewed by a team of UC physicians I was asked about alcohol use. I assured them that I had not had a drink for five years due to interference with a drug said to calm spinal injury foot pain. To that point, I told them, I had enjoyed about two after-work beers a day.  "You're an alcoholic, " says one doc, and his accusation went went unchallenged by the others on the team. He repeated and enlarged upon this absurdity, ignoring my objections. I have never reported this unprofessional outrage to the hospital, and I doubt that any of the staff is reading this so the jerk will go on his delusional way without rebuke.  I cannot comment on his ethnic or religious status, but he didn't look like a Baptist prohibitionist, "not that there's anything wrong with that".
     Back to Warren Barr for more "rehab", now nothing more than about thirty pills a day, frequent blood tests and a fresh diaper every couple of hours, 24/7.  My room was off limits to anyone not wearing hazmat gear, and my food,  which until now had been predictably lame every where I went, now went though a "mechanical" mill and was served with an ice-cream scoop.  This diet was due to muscle loss in my throat.  Nothing on the plate could be identified. Bread was in a cup, eggs were yellow and carrots were orange. Meat was gray or brown and a green scoop could be just about any veggie imaginable. Worse still, the portions were often baby size, and I bad to call the kitchen for more.  Invariably, this was delivered by someone un hazmatted and presumably neither germ free nor somehow incapable of spreading my own germs around the kitchen and other parts unknown. It's no wonder that dozens of rooms down the hall were marked off limits.  C Diff must be a local industry.


     Isolated in my room from the rest of the facility, I had no opportunity to regain my ability to walk or lift a heavy book. I stayed that way for two months until at last one morning an administrator walked in to tell me I would be released in two hours and should start  packing. Earlier that week,  a team of social workers and therapists had evaluated me and assured me that my insurance and medicare would carry me forever, so the eviction came as a surprise.
     The C Diff had been cured by drugs, and I was given a supply of antibiotics to take home until the latest round had been completed, so I wasn't at a total  loss. I had even arranged for a $500 cleaning of my condo bathroom and surrounding floors, earlier contaminated by bad aim.  The clean up team was by coincidence to arrive at about the same time as me.
    I asked Warren Barr for a free cab ride home and returned to an apartment swarming with fruit flies, an epidemic still not resolved after almost two months.   They were even in the freezer. I found some rotting food in a bowl, pitched that and cleaned everything I could see with eyesight compromised by weakened muscles.
     This is a highly edited and condensed version of my summer of discontent, but the general picture survives, even though my Cadillac's battery has not. Two other cars have gone separate ways, and that phase of hoarding is now at an end, praise jesus.
   
   

Wishful Thinking

THE DICK TIMES: NEWS THAT BITES! Anita Alvaez lashes out at critics, claiming them to be nothing but office seeking wannabe politicos. This vacant claim ignores the dozens, hundreds and maybe thousands of citizens who wish her a not -so- fond farewell. Every day she reasserts the same lies and evasions in the fascist-like hope that repetition can make it real. Dick sez: You bet it makes me reel. If I wasn't stuck at this keyboard, I'd be downtown with a sign which says "Happy rails (tarred) until we meet again"
                                                        

My kind of town, Chicago is

    THE DICK TIMES: NEWS THAT BITES!!

Dateline Chicago 2 December, year of the rats. From the desk of the Dick Times, news of corruption, deception, deflection and induction into the Hall of Infamous, all of it RIPPED FROM TODAY'S HEADLINES! 

                             

    Top cop drops first shoe and ranks of Rahmulans sag under blow thrown by Black Friday protesters  who molest Mag Mile shops as sales flop to new lows! SECOND SHOE due to fall if Alvares goes "I quit" in fit of fear! Long reviled State's Attorney should take long journey on tar-dipped rail!
Dick sez: I fail to see the humor in this, but I'm pissed as another layer of dirt falls from mayor's shirt.  

AND!! The Dick Quiz!! Match the players!

         A. Garry McCarthy

         B. Anita Alvarez

         C. Toni Preckwinkle

         D. David Orr
         E. Clem Balanoff
         F. Dorothy Brown

         !.  Cook County Board President and recent critic of this mess ( yesterday )
         2. Cook County State's Attorney
         3. Clerk of the Circuit Court
         4. Cook County Clerk
         5. Chicago Police Superintendent
         6. Dick's upstairs neighbor and ersrtwhile  David Orr
             staffer who has just flown to Egypt to monitor elections.

              QUIZ PRIMER for dimmer readers:
 Sixteen-gate: Dick's name for the year long cover up of sixteen shots fired into the prostrate body of  a fleeing youth.
Garry McCarthy: Chicago's former Police Superintendent, now mildly discredited and out of work.
Anita Alvarez:  Cook County State's Attorney, long a feared foe of poorly defended perps who fell into her wicked web.
Dorothy Brown: Clerk of the Circuit Court who charges her staff a fee for wearing jeans to work. She also charges them up to $1,500 for their jobs, sort of an application fee. Some might consider these "bribes", but we don't jump to conclusions until the trap door falls and the body swings.
Clem Balanoff: Some guy: it's no big deal.
David Orr: Long time local bureaucrat who asked Clem to take in his friend's dog for a few weeks, being unable himself to fulfill the request. This third level degree resulted in a dog upstairs, but it didn't bark,  Dick slumbered peacefully and Mr. Orr was spared a starring role in a Dick Times attack.
Toni Preckwinkle, Cook County Board President, whatever the hell that is. It sounds real bad ass and has frequently been the seat of far reaching rot.
Mag Mile-The long strip of North Michigan Avenue that pulls in shoppers from around the globe.  Major retailers crowd the street with their flagship stores.
Tar-dipped rail (you're really not well read, are you?) : A means of transportation used by mad mobs to expel beyond the gates  any unwanted miscreant. The latter was often tar dipped, too, and then feathered, as you may have surmised by now. clever reader.
Rahmulans: The Mayor's crew of appointees and supporters whose name derives from an alien race on the long-forgotten tv show, Star Trek. It must have been a sci fi thing. Now we all watch twitter between texts.